What I’ve learnt about trying to support someone with depression.

Depression is widespread. Fact. There is absolutely no chance of getting through life without encountering someone who is suffering from depression. It’s also very likely that person will be you at some point. So it is frustrating that there is so little information about supporting people who have depression and how you can look after yourself when supporting someone who has depression. There is also very little guidance on how to support someone in the workplace with depression, something which should really be on the “managing people for beginners” course.

Unfortunately depression, like most mental illnesses, is still a subject that gets very little airtime. There is a current flurry of attention due to the suicide of a high profile sufferer but it will soon be over and everyone will get back to ignoring mental health and mental wellbeing once more. However mental health issues have been slowly emerging, becoming more mainstream via the media and internet and challenging the traditional “brush it under the carpet” approach. It is becoming acceptable to talk openly about the impact of depression on individuals, relationships, the workplace and society as a whole.

A small but erudite group of people are articulating the struggles of those who suffer from depression and stress-based illness. A few high profile individuals have done a great deal to shed light on the issue, experts have spoken and written books and a few brave souls have bared their own mental demons and shared their personal experiences through documentaries, books, blogs and articles.

Among the small but growing pool of information on dealing with, experiencing and treating depression there is still a very limited amount of advice for those who want to support someone experiencing this grim, and sometimes fatal, disease. Most probably because if you are supporting someone with depression it can take a great deal of energy, particularly emotional, so that leaves little space for sharing your experience. However, with depression so common, ways of offering support really should be something everyone is familiar with.

When questioned, sufferers and non-sufferers alike have given me a very long list of things you should NOT do when dealing with someone with depression. For an idea you can see here. However it is harder to pinpoint things that actually work. There is some useful advice here.  Universal advice for those caring for, or providing support to, someone with depression is to remember to look after yourself. 

What I want to share here are the things to bear in mind, the positives, the tricks and tools that can keep you sane and maintain your energy and ability to be supportive when someone else needs you to be a good friend/manager/family member. I am not a psychologist or expert in mental health. I’m just someone who has come across many people suffering with debilitating depression, the kind that has significantly impacted on their ability to live day to day. Those people have been close friends, loved ones, colleagues, people I managed and people whose wisdom and opinions matter to me. Their depression did not make them any less human so my response to their depression should not make me less human.

However it can be tough, tiring and frustrating. But all meaningful human relationships are tough, tiring and frustrating and, as with all things in life, what you put in, you get back.

So here’s a list of the top 10 things I’ve learnt about trying to support someone with depression:

1. Listen and empathise but realise this is not your battle. Don’t try to be a therapist and don’t try to live someone else’s depression for them. You can’t and it is terrible for a relationship to try and cast yourself in the too-powerful role of therapist. Learning to deal with the fact that this is completely out of your control and that you can’t live someone else’s life for them or make their decisions for them or even see the world through their eyes is probably the toughest part of it all. But if you can accept this the journey alongside someone with depression will be smoother for both of you.

2. Ask for help and embrace it when it is offered. The person suffering from depression may well find it hard-to-impossible to ask for help but that doesn’t stop you, as a supporter, getting help for yourself. Get advice, counselling, visit a doctor, gather your most supportive friends around you and tell them you are supporting someone and so need some back-up yourself. If you need time-out, take it.

3. Use physical actions to deal with emotional impacts. I have been taught some great tips over the years. Stand up, take a deep breath and literally shake the angst, hurt and emotion out of your body after a tough exchange. Go to the bathroom and wash the negativity, anger or stress off your hands and flick the water off the end of fingertips, visualising that you are shedding the heartache. Go running or cycling to wind down after emotional conversations. Never underestimate the physical impact of emotions. Adrenalin, insulin and cortisol are all released at times of stress and it takes physical responses to work them through your system.

4. Surround yourself with positive activities, people and thoughts. Avoid drama.

5. Be open and honest. There is absolutely no point pretending things are great if they are not. You don’t have to be dramatic, just tell it how it is.

6. Forgive yourself for not being able to “fix” it. Guilt will be something the person suffering from depression has in spades; you don’t need to join them. Since you can never “fix” someone else it is important to try and move on from the idea and find peace with it.

7. Keep things in perspective. When someone is suffering from depression they are most likely completely unable to “keep things in perspective”, it is one of the grimmest parts of the disease. But as a source of support you can still maintain a healthy viewpoint, it is just a disease; it does not define the person.

8. Practice being non-judgemental. It is hard work and contrary to so much of what we get taught or are influenced to think by the society around us. But it makes us better people.

9. Remember no one is perfect. If you have a bad day, if you find it is all too frustrating and despite having the best support network in the world and a ton of love for the person you are trying to support you still want to ring their neck, don’t be surprised or too hard on yourself. You’re human too and being a martyr definitely doesn’t help anyone.

10. Eat, sleep, exercise and have a good routine. Basic life stuff but often forgotten when you’re in the middle of watching someone you care about engaged in an all-consuming battle over which you have no control!

And finally – my bonus point because it’s the one that keeps me personally nourished:

11. Laugh. When someone you care about is in the depths of blackness there are surprising moments of humour. There’s a reason so many people who suffer from this disease become comedians! It’s OK to laugh about depression and it’s good to see the funny side of any illness, it really is a great form of medicine. When you step back from the situation and take a different perspective on your experiences they are often absurd and nonsensical so do what come naturally and laugh at the madness of it all!

If you are a carer and looking for support there are resources at http://www.carersuk.org and http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers,-friends-and-family-how-to-cope/#.U-yEYVbEMy4

The peaceful majority vs hate and fear

There will always be bad people.  Bullies, psychopaths, people who are not wired like the rest of us who are bent on destruction.  People may attribute their violent tendencies to environment, upbringing or brainwashing.  But some people are just that way, we’ll never eliminate them. These people are often highly persuasive, intelligent, charismatic and manipulative.  They can exploit their natural charm or abilities to intimidate and get others to carry out acts in their name or at their bidding.

It may “start small” with words, subtle abuses and hateful politics.  Then the power excites, their popularity builds and they take courage from it to use more violent language and then carry out more and more extreme acts.  What begins with bullying or abusive language, if unchecked, can extend to intimidation and violence. By challenging a bully or identify someone using disrespectful language and pointing out that it is unacceptable each individual taking action reduces the chances of the behaviour escalating.

At a societal level there are systems in place to protect the peaceful majority from harmful individuals.  However war and those who advocate violent action “for protection” actually removes those systems and endangers people further.  The “shoot before you get shot” approach exacerbates rather than limits violence, a stark fact that many societies around the world recognise but have struggled to translate into effective social policy.

For centuries the peaceful majority have used mechanisms to limit the amount of power that any one person can accumulate.  In a large chunk of the world today there are models of democracy and legal systems in place to do just that.  Democracy may not be perfect but it’s the best model we’ve found yet to protect human rights. However even democratic systems can be exploited and corrupted.  To make sure the peaceful majority do not become irrelevant there are some simple steps that every individual can take.

• Challenge injustice when you see it.
• Stand up to bullies.
• Support people in need.
• Take action against corruption.
• Respect everyone even if their life view is very different to your own.
• Be compassionate.
• Enjoy the moment and take pleasure from simple things.
• Give kids the skills and self-confidence to confidently challenge bullies and respect difference.

When people are contented, respected and treated with compassion they are far less likely to be fooled into following an extremist ideology or suckered in by a manipulative psychopath.  People who are angry, stressed, embittered and abused are far more likely to be persuaded that an extreme course of action is justifiable.  Surely its better if we don't give the loonies that chance.

When a political group with bullying tendencies posts a message which resonates it requires just a moment to think about what that group represents before sharing their message and implying support for their cause.  There are many organisations, including parts of the media, who are manipulative and disrespectful to the people whose stories they hijack for their own corrupt means. They twist stories to suit their own ends and use religious or political ideology to explain settling their personal grievances. Among the peaceful majority there are many people prepared to challenge those who misrepresent people's personal experiences.

The historical situations where the peaceful majority are accused of being irrelevant equally have plenty of examples of where people did “the right thing” and helped their neighbours and followed their own strong moral compass to protect people from holocaust or genocide.  Many brutal dictatorships and civil injustices have been halted and freedom, democracy and human rights protected due to continued, insistent action by the peaceful majority. Throughout history, the peaceful majority have always appreciated the benefits of life without conflict and sought to end war and violence though negotiation and compromise.

Will the world ever be free from war, conflict and violence? Probably not, and certainly not in our lifetimes.  Are the peaceful majority irrelevant? Absolutely not.  For every random act of violence there are so many more random acts of kindness.Using education, facts and the lessons from history to refute messages of hate and prejudice.  There are plenty of examples of the peaceful majority being anything but irrelevant so let us highlight those stories not events inspired by hate and fear. 

The peaceful majority are most definitely not irrelevant

In recent weeks I have heard and read a lot about violence around the world.  In much of the coverage there is an emphasis on the particular religious sect that the different “sides” of these conflicts represent.  I have also read posts on social media issued by “nationalist” organisations relating to the threat posed by radicals and extremists.  Many people I know have found they recognise and resonate with sentiments issued by these organisations, particularly when they focus on human rights abuses in the name of religion or support for troops involved in peace keeping activities.

One piece being shared on social media really struck a chord with me and I felt compelled to write in response.  In it someone refers to the "peaceful majority" and goes on to explain that the peaceful majority are irrelevant.  That in times of war the peaceful majority stand by as those with weapons commit atrocities, carry out ethnic cleansing and abuse human rights as they wish, unchallenged.  This is an idea which has been in circulation for a number of years thanks to an old blog piece and which was re-hashed in a recent, frequently shared, video piece.

Now if this really was the case, would we not all have been blown to pieces in some nuclear armageddon sixty years ago? Would the course of the Second World War have not been very different or would there not still be a large barrier between the two halves of Berlin? If the peaceful majority had not stood up and been counted surely some crazed leader, bent on world domination, would have been able to “push the red button” and we’d all have been consigned to geological history some time ago.

So I have started a blog where I hope to discuss the many and varied ways the peaceful majority can challenge violence, abusive behaviour, bullying, disrespectful words and actions.  It’s the small, day to day stuff that often passes by unnoticed but which shapes our attitudes and the behaviours we find socially acceptable, or not.  Please join in and comment or highlight interesting links to similar themes that I can feature here...